The F-ing Asshole

Here is the great thing about me, I have heard that I "can't" succeed, that I don't do things traditionally, or that I am not to be taken seriously so many times that I am immune to it. Basically I don't give a fuck about what someone has to say about me or my work, here is an example for my rant today.

Setting Boss and I are about to make a conference call to Asshole on why he hasn't been responding to me. Asshole is not aware that I am going to be on the line.

Boss: Hi Asshole I was wondering if you got a chance to look over the e-mails that Curly has sent to you?
Asshole: Yeah, how old is she anyway? Doesn't she know how to pick up a phone?


What I would like to say is hey Asshole, I was told to e-mail you by your superiors. Asshole you are an asshole, my age could not even be relevant in that question or statement unless you have insecurity about how ugly you are or how old you are. Asshole.

Today, Asshole has sent us edits on a document specifically trying to target me again because he thinks I wrote them, which the funny thing is his superiors had the final edits, so his asshole comments are not really insulting to me as much as they will be to Boss when she reads them. And he took out an entire section that he is paying for.

So Asshole, I don't give a fuck about what you have to say. My age, sex, nor background has anything to do with anything you are talking about or criticizing. Asshole you are just an asshole.

The interuption

I have spent the last 2 weeks convinced that I am going to get fired. OK lets be honest, I have spent the last 90 days convinced that I am going to be fired. I am not sure if I actually will be, I have not received any warnings but a lot of strange feedback. I feel like I speak alien sometimes, and my boss looks at me like it pains her to hear me speak. I don't know whether to be quiet or just convey my inability to speak alien.


And Ducky is moving spaces in our office, boooooooo.

The validation

SO I am happy to say I am NOT crazy and my friends got to hear from another mouth how nuts April is/was. I couldn’t have made all of that stuff up!

I have been noticing an old acquaintance from my old work place in my neighborhood and could not place him for the life of me. Turns out he works in a local restaurant and we happened to sit in his section last night. When he remembered me we began talking about everyone we used to work with, including the crazy April.

I swore when I wrote this blog that I wouldn’t tell anyone about who I was or where I worked but it was so worth sharing last night! After catching up I asked him to share his opinions of April with my friends. He said she was absolutely out of her mind and shared a story with my friends about the time when she came over to his side of the office yelling after me.

Ah validation, you are a great feeling J.

The whiplash

How does a summer start low, even out, get crazy fun then end up low again? I feel like I have whiplash.

On my plate for the next month:
- Finding a new roommate so someone will be able to find me when I am attacked by my crazy cat.
- Being a MOD in my (younger) sister's wedding, where YES the movies are true, I am super happy for her but am not happy that I am not even close to being there yet.
- Sorting out feelings of being dumped twice in one summer. Not to say that I really care about those people but I need to figure out what I am looking for now that I have a big girl life.
- Remodeling various parts of my condo (which would not be a huge deal if everything wasn't leaking water everywhere).
- Finishing a painting that I desperately need to get out of my place.
- Figuring out where these super intense migraines are coming from before I go insane or lose my new job.

Add that to all of the other crazy shit that goes on in my life and I can't find room for desert. I am feeling a little low right now, I love desert :(...

The work treats

Work treats can be a multitude of fun things, mostly they are the days when your boss is out and profanity is strangely acceptable among the minions.

Then there are the Kudos you get when you do a good job, and at my new place of business they are little notes like trophies. I LOVE getting these!!!

But the best is when you can bond with Charles on the day you thought was going to be a rough and crappy day. Ducky was out and Charles and I were talking about our projects which led to me telling him how nervous I was about what I was doing. He actually started talking to me about how he was too, then we bonded. It was lovely, all warm and fuzzy and happy feeling J…

I love work treats!

The Twin & the Dead

I met a new work twin, I will call her Envy. She is about as good looking as I am (I really like the way I look) and has a mouth on her like a trucker similar to my own. It was almost like being on a date with a really hot chick because every one's comments really weren't that funny and ours were. She made me extremely happy to be around because she totally 'got' my jokes. This is very rare even if you know me for someone to understand my jokes and sarcasm. She even thinks the world is ending and that plots are constantly happening (this is where envy comes in, I can only fathom diseases in this regard world issues are beyond my scope).

She also has this great way of being creaped out by gingers (perhaps more than I), she thinks their skin looks like it has been under water for weeks.

The new boyfriend thinks that I should plan another lunch with Envy. But like a dating situation I don't want to come across as over eager to see her again for fear of scaring her off.

So in my dead time this week, becuase my idiot co-workers didn't meet a set deadline, I am stuck trying to plan how to meet with Envy to discuss life again... Suggestions??? It would really be fun to have someone more than Ducky at work, not that Ducky isn't great.

The Next One

With my new career at a new company, I am quite sure of these things...

• I am a stupid, that needs to not slop through my work and slow down. I Screwed up 3 reports this way so far. Damn!
• I am quite sure my boss thinks I am a moron, although I am not sure if this is a bad thing yet.
• My male co-worker hates me because I am super excited in the mornings.

So the new Boss I will have to same Sarah. She is amazing, and I might say that I would like to grow up to be like her one day, but I don't know her that well and she is not really older than me. I love her energy, the way she speaks (she has a bit of a lisp and I have always wanted that)and her hair! I might have a slight crush. Her thinking that I am a moron might not be such a bad thing just yet, I will continue to stroke her ego and hope that she feels the need to 'take me under her wing' so that I can feel her out a bit more. I also love that we are super awkward when speaking about anything but work :).

I thought Sarah was going to yell at me this week for making so many stupid mistakes, but it turns out she liked how I do analysis because we both took different positions and went from there. So I had a great meeting and I am super excited for the lead on the next project!

My co-worker that sits next to me shall go by Ducky. She is hysterical but I am sure that the guy that sits by us hates us because we chat about dumb things and make awkward conversations about our similar families all day. Ducky cracks me up because she is so similar to me, and nerdy like me so it is fun to talk to her about things like Chicago Style writing and APA style writing (I follow none of those btw if you can't tell).

The Guy who sits next to Ducky and myself should be Charles, actually I think his real name should be made Charles because he looks quite 'Charles-y' Monday-Thursday. He doesn't make any small talk and hates that I am so chipper in the mornings. I am making it my mission to get him to like me, and want to tell me about his life.

OK folks back to the massive paperwork that I have somehow managed to stay on top of...

The Bipolar Month

Talk about strange things that happen, and all for a reason I am sure.

Firstly, I was dumped then had to jump a plane for a quick trip to Europe. I know unemployment life is rough right? You know the film ‘Under the Tuscan Sun’? Totally how I was feeling, except I was in France, didn’t home and was crying in an Irish pub instead of a storm, I digress.  I guess the best place to have a breakdown would be in Europe, there are a lot of distractions.

Second, I got a call right before I left for a second round of interviews at a new firm, doing exactly along the lines of what I would want to be doing. Except the time range for the interview was a small window. I had to get from plane to bed to interview after my trip from Europe. Needless to say when you are trying to remember college French and Rosetta Stone German for a week transitioning to English with little sleep and jet lag is a nightmare. I went to the interview and kept stumbling over words, I couldn’t even remember what I was talking about at one point so I ended up explaining my trip and hoped that it would go over better than trying to sound intelligent.

Third, while I was in Europe I was called by the producers to do the Bachelor. It is very exciting for a newly single girl in France, but a very bad idea for anyone with skeletons in one of her many closets. :)

Lastly, I was supposed to attend a gathering at my newly ex-boyfriend’s parents’ house. What a nightmare! This led to me luckily agreeing to play with my cousin all weekend and send my regrets with my dad without looking like a bitter ass. Not that I didn’t stalk all of the ex’s friends photos posted that kept haunting me on my Facebook wall. Damn you news feed! Friends of his deleted, problem solved.

Solutions & Results:
Everything happens for a reason…

Yes I was dumped, but it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run anyway, and I knew it for a while.

Yes I had a shit job interview, but I got the job! I could have been crying over a guy, instead I am happily sitting at a desk with a view that some would kill to have.

Yes I could have been on a show to become amazingly famous (because I am someone that people love, or love to hate), but I realized that I like myself and I really don’t want my secrets displayed for the world to judge. Even those who have known me since childhood will never get totally inside my head, and will never know what I try to keep to myself. I constantly am evolving and trying to improve and I wouldn’t be here without those skeletons reminding me of how much harder I need to work on myself and career.

With the bipolar roller costar that has been this last month, I am so happy that I don’t get yelled at everyday anymore. I am not criticized for mistakes, just expected not to repeat them. My new job even has an in house learning center where I can learn to improve my career and management skills, because did I forget to mention that I manage clients and others now? Oh and how I missed HR! Good morning world, I like my job today please keep it that way.

The unemployment line

Some people view unemployment as negative, I see it as an incentive to do more, or less, than my normal routine.
List of things to do while unemployed (aka get ready for a new job again):
-          Work out a lot, skinnier people are happy people, while I am at it my cat needs to go on a diet too
-          Learn to live like a cat, how do they sleep so damn much, is this better for me than sitting at the office?
-          Clean my house, because it doesn’t happen when I am working
-          Paint a painting for cash, and do the paintings I owe for people
-          Go on at least four trips, one being in Europe and one being more than a week long (then hopefully I won’t have to take as much vacation when I am employed again)
-          Try something new or out of my normal habits
-          Go to the beach more than 10 times this summer, what is the point of living blocks from the beach if I never use it?
-          Try 3 new bars in the suburbs and 3 new bars in the city, any suggestions?
-          Make date plans with each of my friends
-          Go to more than 3 Chicago festivals and at least 2 suburban area festivals
-          Shooting guns at an outdoor range
The world seems to have changed since I was last free from the chains of the work world, I have to get out there, read the news and try new things. Did you know that there are over 40 festivals in the city alone just in the summer?
Things to stop doing while unemployed:
-          Hustle, stop trying to make extra cash
-          Eating bread, after seeing that the food pyramid has changed I will need to cut out a few things
-          Reading work emails, somehow even though I am still unemployed I still check my e-mails religiously
-          Wearing underwear, so much laundry, not enough money :)
-          Dry Cleaning
-          Laying around on the weekends
-          Buying things for people when I don’t have the cash
-          Buying clothes, while I am at it I will try to wear everything in my closet at least once
-          Working crap jobs for assholes
I have a second round Job interview this week so I suppose that I should get started on this list. I hope I have some time between now and my next job so I can go to the 3 new trips I have planned. Maybe I should put looking for jobs on the list of things not to do.

The Exit

It is official! I, Curly Kate Mcgee, have finally joined unemployment! How could I find this great or even humorous you ask? It was a long road but here are the final hours:
My employer posted my position on LinkedIn, a website that I monitor for them btw, on a Tuesday. Later that day I notice that it is posted and send out an email to Joe, April and Mr. O. asking why my position has been posted on the internet when I haven’t even received a warning for anything, ever. Nothing…
Then Wednesday I was scheduled to be out of the office and received correspondents that a meeting will be scheduled to discuss my position, and I am being given a hard time about asking to have HR present. Can’t you always have HR present if requested? So I said I would not attend a meeting unless HR was present.
Finally 3pm rolls around the Thursday I get back, there is a 3pm meeting scheduled and all requests have been removed from my desk. Here we go, wonder what April has up her sleeves today? Long story short I negotiated being laid off for ‘irreconcilable differences’. What the hell is that? I have no idea, but Hel-LO unemployment! You know when you get let go or quit you feel relief, or sad, but don’t want to really show it? I think I was Beaming, I might have been skipping and doing cartwheels!
Later that week I was re-hired (not by choice), then fired, and then re-offered my severance. I cannot even tell you how hysterical that day was, I don’t think I have ever been essentially fired twice in one day, in my life. On to better things…
Readers, please refer to my previous articles referring to my exemplary REAL resume. I have all the skills it takes to be high/over-employed, and this time no one is going to get me that easy! I will no longer settle for underemployment, shit pay, or hours working for a company that no one has ever heard of!
I am not sure at this point, is it better to say that I was employed for a company that was run by Satan and no one has ever heard of, or is it better to say I have been working on my education for the last year? Is it better to have a blank or to give a reason? And how do I not sound ecstatic at job interviews that I am not in crazy land anymore?
What a relief, I will keep scheduling vacations everywhere so I don’t I can enjoy my life for a bit! Yay me!!!!

The interns

I am LMAO at the nonsense in this office:

When I was out last week, the interns were training the new interns. Really, interns training interns, does that even make sense?  Not to me.

So I get back the next day and the intern Angel is telling the Russian he has a call. The Russian proceeds to walk over to Angel's desk and picks up the phone. It is Joe asking the Russian for something, the Russian does not transfer the phone to his desk, nor does Angel transfer it to him, but he puts the phone on the desk and runs back to his desk.

The Russian then gets the information he needs and runs back to Angel's desk and picks the phone off the desk to talk again to Joe. Joe must have asked for a few more things because this behavior repeats.

I have decided not to aid in this chaos because I can't stop laughing and will use all of the amusement I can.

Interns training interns ... LOL

The Ozzy Experience

All aboard! Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa!

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay

Crazy, but that's how it goes

Millions of people living as foes

Maybe it's not too late

To learn how to love

And forget how to hate

Yeah that's right I am an Ozzy fan, and I even have the different stages of Ozzy at my office.

There is Joe who is Ozzy on some shit. Joe either coming to hungover, drunk or out to the bar in the middle of the day to get some shots of Vodka. Although I am convinced his coffee also has vodka in it. He reeks of sour bar all day and drunk texts me nonsense and I have actually asked if he was drunk, he replied 'yes'! He is a shit show who pawns off his work so he can go to the bar.

We have April who I am convinced eats bat heads after hours, AKA Ozzy in concert. She is Satan, I hate her and I am convinced that my life is better when she does not speak to me.

Then there is Mr. O who seems to be in some sort of comma all day. I.e. post Sharon Ozzy. He slurs shuffles and I can understand nothing of what he is talking about or what he says.


I am going off the rails on this crazy train!

The cartoon

The depression

I have gotten depressed with all of the interview I have been going on, it is not that I don't feel that I could get the job, its that I am depressed at the actual work out there. And then there is the head hunter who tells me not to hold my breath, ugh!!!

I can't sleep, and my gym is under construction so there is no relief... and I have to go back into my hostile hell work environment tomorrow.
HELP! This is all that I could find:

1. I will only see a half-full glass and have no “stinkin’ thinkin’.”

2. I will not waste time, but will design a weekly search schedule.

3. I will not complain.

4. I will be disciplined.

5. I will not accept rejection as personal, just business.

6. I will exercise and maintain a balanced diet.

7. I will concern myself with those things over which I have direct control, and not those things over which I have no control.

8. I will develop or maintain my sense of humor.

9. I will involve my family and friends and keep them involved.

10. I will respect myself and be kind to my family and friends.

11. I will not expect the next job to fall into my lap. I will find it!

12. I will not daydream my way into my next job.

13. I will take consistent and meaningful actions every day.

14. I will not place blame on others, only on myself.

15. I will control my job change.

16. I will complete a minimum of 50-150 job-hunting activities weekly.

17. I will read everything I can to improve my position in this search.

18. I will give myself permission to try.

19. I will give myself permission to fail.

20. I will give myself permission to ask for help.

21. I will give myself permission to make mistakes.

22. I will give myself permission to succeed!

23. I will do my best at whatever task I attempt.

24. I will repeat to myself each morning and each evening: "Starting today, I am in control of ...

The sick day

It is quite possible you have done it, use your sick days to not have to deal with work?
Just look at your schedule, you hate your job and it feels like you have to cram everything in your life around unrealistic schedules. There is not a single doctor's office that is open when you are not working, hair coloring you can usually forget trying to get done on the weekends (unless you know about a certain salon called Rockstar) and the dentist will have to be miserably placed at the beginning of your work day.

It kind of sucks actually planning your life around an 8 to 5. I mean who really needs a driver's licence any way? Hmmmm? The DMV can suck it.

So the working world made sick days, which are great unless you are being called in, called from the office, or actually get sick. It is not like sick days are very practical for actually getting sick, who can determine that they will get only the flu and only have one sickness? And I should add that most people come in when they are sick anyway, making the rest of us sick and taking more time away from us. Nothing pisses me off more than a boss coming in sick! Asshole, go home, I want my sick days for ditching work!

Really, determining how to be sick is more of the option, like "I have a job interview, sick day please?" makes more sense to me.

Then it dawns on me why not give salaried employees no sick days, and let them just do their work and make up the hours where they can. Most employees will work from home where they can. I know I do.

Best part of my day is when April doesn't come into the office.

I get yelled at for things that are so stupid that now I just laugh and walk away. For instance, the other day I was printing out copies of reports. I went over to the printer to pick up the copies, and there is crazy April, holding my reports and thumbing through them. I say nothing and just watch her going through them.

April: Did you make all of these copies?
Me: Yup.
April: You need to print this double sided, on the other machine.(I say nothing as this is not a question so she turns around and stares at me expecting me to say something)
Me: O.k.

I grabbed the stack of paper from in front of her, threw it in the recycle bin and walk back to my desk an reprint the entire report double sided.

:)I hate her.

The circus

Hello ladies and gentleman. Come one and all! Welcome to the world's most ridiculous work place. We aren't talking child labor or slavery here folks but complete and utter disaster in a work environment.

You will be salaried and will never get overtime pay even if it is deserved.

You will be expected to not only be treated as hourly, but expected to e-mail when you are coming and going as well as signing in and out! Sounds exciting doesn't it?

Oh and don't worry because to your amazement we will make accusations about you and your performance while acknowledging that no proof exists, actually we will just make it up completely!

That's not all we will also try to humiliate you at all costs, because we believe that if we make you miserable, you will do better work!!!

I think I spent half of the week applying for other jobs. Has anyone worked at Starbucks? Or Nordstroms?

The Interview

I went to an interview this week... It was a week of HELL so I figured an interview could be just the thing to remind me that not everyone is crazy. Oops! Turns out they all are!

I got to the interview early, had all of my resumes ready to hand out, I was more excited about being out of my nightmare of an office. Just the idea of a potential job somewhere else was more than enough to give me hope for a better week.

I should also add that the guy who got me the interview is someone that I really look up to. He knows nothing of the negative stories about my office now, just that I am interested in something else.

I met my potential future boss and the guy that got me the interview in a conference room in their office. I would say about 3 minutes into the interview my future boss and the guy I am friends with got into an argument, for a good 20 minutes. What the hell? Am I being punked? I just looked at them both in shock. I could have stayed in my office for this.

Well, all I could think was that I was glad for my zoning out abilities. I just stared at their general direction imagining another place I would like to be.

Lets hope the next one goes better, maybe I just need to become a dog walker...  :) 

The "Sheen"

April has tiger blood, winner!

The exit

I got to the office today with my pen missing. MIA ALERT: my pen is missing again!!! I have bought and lost so many pens for this office it is ridiculous. And the kicker is that someone else steals them and uses them. I put my name on it, why would anyone want my pen!!! I might start putting my boogers on it.

So, the exit...
April was out of the office most of yesterday, this makes for a super great office! Everyone is happy, there is teamwork going on, everyone is getting their work done happily.

Then, from out of the hall way you can see her little head bobbing on its way back in. It is 4:45.

It becomes a mad dash to finish what you are doing so you can leave, or at least turn off your screen. Where her day starts at 4pm, ours start at 8am  (sometimes earlier, and most with out lunch), and we are tired and hungry. I thought only a select few in the office knew of my dash routine. Turns out, there were four people doing the same. we all took different routes and ended up at the elevator laughing.

This morning, I am already getting yelled at, which just makes me laugh, because I am fully intending on dashing out of here the same as always today :).

The gum chewing

 How annoying is it when someone chews gum? I don't even know how to describe gum chewing in text, but it should be banned from the office totally! I am amazed with the things that do or do not get banned from the office.

Banned items in the office:

·         Flip-flops - Because they make a slapping noise.

·         Headphones - Because people can pretend to ignore others :)

·         Sweatpants - I don't really get this one, I work better when I am comfortable.

·         Cleavage - Because I don't care to see your areolas or your potential career at plumbing.

·         Piercings - Not sure I get this one, I have been told to be more artistic in my style of dress, I think I might get studs put into my temples.

·         "Un-natural" hair colors - Again, an item I don't get, have you seen old people? Old Women have purple, black, red, pink and blue hair when it is clearly not natural to be anything but gray! I am damn sure my boss hasn't ever had that hair color or at least not for the last 20 years...

Proposed banned items:

·         Gum Chewing with your mouth open or at all - Get a mint it lasts longer and isn't annoying, unless you are suckling them, then mints are also banned.

·         Brushing your teeth or using mouthwash in the kitchen - If you can't pee in that room you shouldn't be brushing or scrubbing any part of your body either.

·         Speaker phone - Get a conference room, this is so beyond distracting!!!

·         Farting - cringe.

·         Close-talking - arm length distance please.

·         VPL - 'visible panty lines' - Men and Women, Seriously? I get that people have to dress like idiots in the work place but if I can see what is under your clothes I would prefer you put on more layers, or get bigger clothes.

·         Answering questions with questions - Unless this is a game, then it is ok.

·         Using strange and outdated sayings to be anything but funny - Do not start a sentence with "Say, " (we get that you are saying something), I am not "hip to that", I don't care to hear that something is a "matter of fact" (especially that it is of your opinion), “nifty”, or anything else that you cannot figure out that no one else says anymore.

·         Cooking fish in the kitchen - I have no interest in smelling this or leaving smelling like your lunch.

·         Computer notification sounds - Annoying! I don't want to hear bings, burps, frogs or other nonsense to tell you that you have gotten mail.

·        Playing with your junk in your pockets – gross! Did anyone teach you to take your hands out of your pants in public?

·         Cursive – I think in this day everyone should use a computer; cursive is unacceptable outside of personal notes.

·         Banana Clips & Scrunchies – Because I hate them.

·         Fax machines - I hate them, so they should be banned.

Proposed additions to my work week:

·         Opposite day - Better if you don't tell the boss about it too!

·         PJ day - who didn't love this day in school?

·         Pick your DJ day - I get to control the radio, and if you don't like it you can wear headphones.

·         Learning day - A lovely time to show idiot co-workers how to do their jobs without calling them out. Scratch that we might need more time than a day at my office.


Anything I am missing?

The expectations

Mr. O drops a stack of paper on my desk...
Me: When did you need this done by?
Mr. O: Um, well, what does your schedule look like?

I would like to ask if this is a game, is this answer question with question day? What should I say here?
"Well, Mr. O, since I hate my job I would be happy to get it done in 5 days which I can shorten to 5 hours if I hated you less but won't." or "Never, asshole, because you never answer my damn questions." or "What is a schedule?" What actually happens is far less interesting...

Me: UM, WELL I am still waiting on an answer to the questions I asked you about the last stack of papers.
Mr. O: Oh, when did you send that? I didn't get that, can you resend it?
Me (not even bother to look at him anymore for fear of scratching is eyes out): Yes you did get it and you responded with your answers that were not in response to my question, I told you this and gave you back the sheet of paper.
Mr. O: Oh, hmmm...
Me: So when did you need this done by?
Mr. O: Tomorrow, I guess.


UGH!!!!

The rat tail

Just some strange things that occur in my office...

A man that is completely bald except for a rat tail that is gathered from the minimal amount of hair beginning by his ears and is pulled back.

The boss eating and taking home all of the food that is brought in for the office.

Our office not having tissues, because apparently we are supposed to buy office supplies.

April did not pay her phone bill and yelled at the staff, who by the way, don't have the authority sign a check to pay it. April thinking that because she did not have phone she must not get e-mail at all.

Mr. O thinking that a hi-lighter is a pen.

I was curious as to why we were going after jobs with this consultant and never getting them! A new tid-bit that I found was that about 3 years ago April had a client, that we were interested in, coming into the office. Obviously this company has never been large in my mind, but she tried to fake it. April tried to fake our numbers!!! She asked those consultants to use our office so that the client thought we had more staff than we actually did! It doesn't get any stranger than that in my book.

The song

April, April Can't Be Wrong lyrics (Thank you Spin Doctors :))

Been a whole lot easier since the bitch left work 

Been a whole lot happier without her face and smirk 

Nobody next desk gonna stomp and shout, 

Nobody at the back door gonna shout my name out 

She hold the shotgun while we run around 

She wants employees made of Hercules and none are found

Been a whole lot easier since the bitch is gone 

April, April can't be wrong 



April, April, April can't be wrong 

Ain't nobody gonna bow no more when you sound your gong. 

April, April, April can't be wrong 

What'cha gonna do to get into another one of these Rock 'n' roll songs? 





Other peoples' thoughts they ain't your hand-me-downs 

Would it be so bad to simply turn around 

You bitch so well, all rude and illiterate 

You'd do brain surgery too, screw it up in a fit.



April, April, April can't be wrong... 



I hope those lies are gonna make you cough 

Hope you hear this song and it pissed you off 

I take that back I hope your doing fine 

And if I had a dollar I might give you ninety-nine 



April, April, April can't be wrong....

The rant

April is not only a crazy old delirious hag, but rude and destructive! I was in the middle of a file edit and she drops a document that needs edits on my desk with out warning and with out regard for my schedule or anything else others have spoken to me about doing. I write this in tears as it took everything in me not to call her a bitch and run out of the office. Sit and spin April!

The conference

Marketing is an interesting illusion of systematically coordinated events. These truly can only be coordinated by someone in the practice of the business who is in touch with an honest reality. Like some aspect of business marketing can truly only be researched and executed with honesty, not to say one can not embellish and spin a little. Truly good marketing is a skill and great marketing is a practiced art.

I have a story of course about this. Hey managers stop waiting until the last minute! Stop waiting until there is a fire to put out! It is nonsensical to put your staff under extreme deadlines and still ask for excellence! NOnSENsICAL!!

Currently we have a conference coming up where nothing is able to be used from previous conferences. Out of a large warning from my predecessor I have decided to nip it in the bud early. Needless to say my meetings and e-mails have been ignored and now we will be lucky if anything turns out right and on time.

What is the expression? Penny cheap and dollars short? Either way their cheap asses are going to pay a bundle to rush this, which could have been done correctly or have looked even better than the skimping without rushing.

At this point I don't care what it looks like because they are fools. Fools who don't trust me to know what I am doing and fools enough to think they do.

My life = Fools, living in snow globes, and a cat that bites my face…

The bad boss

April is a bitch! (I heard that from at least 3 people today, not including the voice in my head. The voice in my head agreed but worked hard not to let me say it out loud). Really though, she is a bitch, I am not even sure how to put it nicely. Today was absolute non-sense; I think every day just tops the last since the Monday explosion. She put a paper on my desk for me to redo (31 pages), on Sunday with an hour to do it, typical. I am not supposed to write or read which she has made clear but just edit, not this time. My perimeters are always changing, and she is a bitch so I never even want to reach them, nor will I ever be able to. To my point, does the Boss make the employee?

I am not a bad employee, I have many recommendations and from many people: Supervisors, co-workers, owners, managers, and whatever else I worked with. 

Boss's expectations vary for employees, but do they realize they directly affect how their employees perform?

Good Boss: The bar manager that kept us entertained, bounced, did whatever we couldn't and bar-backed if needed. He set a great example of what he wanted from us. Good Work: I wanted to come to work, I wanted to impress him, I wanted to have customers tell him what a great job I was doing because I appreciated what he was doing so much!

Bad Boss: The manager that threw me under the bus, constantly. Bad Work: I was never trained, so I didn't try to act like I was. She was always throwing me under the bus, so I stopped doing anything without direction because otherwise I got yelled at. Then I got yelled at for only taking direction.

Good Boss: The retail giant that cracked jokes, and set goals with small bribes (I mean pizza and cup cakes) I was working retail, which is not super fun and very draining. This guy was straight and working in a woman's clothing store. He would let us have fashion shows when we were slow, and really got us to like our jobs; he inspired creative thinking when approaching clients. Good Work: Our team met our sales goal every month and really liked each other, there was really no drama.

Bad Boss: The office owner who set no perimeters, goals and never gave raises or bonuses. Bad Work: The turnaround for the office was under 3 years, which means they lose a lot of money on training and never get consistent work. No perimeters means no goals can be met which sets everyone up to fail. No incentives, bonuses or raises means I was looking for a new job ASAP.

Good Boss: The office manager that was a shoulder to cry on and a voice for the employees. She gave treats for getting your time in early and always had a creative solution. Good Work: This woman made every day fun. I wanted to do more for the company because she made it feel like a home. She gave us little gifts constantly to let us know we were appreciated! It was the best boss I have ever had!

Now I obviously have a crap boss now, obviously I wouldn’t be spending my work time blogging :).
 
Noticing a trend? If you are a boss and you think your employees care because you treat them badly, they don’t they are just looking for somewhere else to work.

If you have been a good boss thank your employees and if you are a good employee thank your boss. Work is a team effort no matter where you are!
 

Affirmations

Affirmations - that make me smile -

- I am sorry, I love you, thank you (Husbands have said this for centuries there has to be something to it)
- I am at peace
- I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.
- I see the good in myself and others
- I can relax and calm myself

And even better this one...

:)

The control (freak)

Meeting 1. Today is a typical Monday here in hell. The sky is puking up more of the white stuff. Crazy April ran our meetings in the usual unorganized fashion, jumping from topic to topic and ignoring some staff completely while word vomiting out nonsense about how she is so experienced. Yes April, we can tell by your hideous and dated wardrobe that you are old, that doesn't make your ideas anything but done before... Old Hat!

Exactly one week later...

Meeting 2. Huge fight in our meeting this morning between the staff and the supervisors. I mean a showdown like the Wild West.

It could be the highlight of my day! I was perplexed because it was like seeing a teacher out of school or a zoo animal in your backyard. I have never seen a company or persons lose control so quickly! I am going to try to give you an idea of what happened, I still am not quite sure how to even write it.

Background: Most of us are on salary, and although that does not make us all exempt we are all compensated the same way for overtime. For every one hour of OT you work you get .25hours of paid time off. Totally illegal in IL btw.

Supervisors' perspective: the staff should put in mandatory overtime with no compensation of any kind to be expected for a project we don't have yet. AKA we are desperate and can't figure out how to run a company!

Staff perspective: Yeah right! Not going to happen. Most of the staff is on reduced salary still without raises or bonuses for years (I am not sure who would last that long personally), and without promise of that if we get the project it is just take, take, take from the company with no balance. 

Mr. O: We will be having an unusual schedule in the next few weeks and will be extending our expectations.

April: We will be expecting you to work overtime.

Employee: What will the compensation be if this is 'unusual'?

April: There is no compensation for it.

Joe: Well I want you to want to do it so if you can't then tell me. 

Every usual blank stare in the room shifts to her. 'Has she lost her mind?' is clearly splashed upon every person's face in the room.

Employee: Yeah, so that is not going to work, we are on a reduced salary already, what would be our intensive here?

April: Well this is how we have always done it.

Employee: Well have you always promised to give people back their pay without doing it too?

Dun dun dun! It just gets better from there, but I think I blanked! Talk about a death march! My co-worker next to me whispers "can we strike?"

I contributed some comments about how you should have your employees want to work, not feel obligated to OT.

Another co-worker mentions a balance of work and personal time for a better product.

April, listened to nothing we said. Mr. O said we were at an impasse, and Joe was confused because he didn't think that it should be mandatory. Talk about not knowing what the left hand is doing from the right!

Research... Read on if you like or skip to the bottom :)

Any place I have worked before has offered food (at the least) to its staff for putting in even a little of overtime on someone missing a shift, art competitions, or un-acquired projects. These people are nuts! Not this company they believe that working an employee into the ground is better means of utilizing their staff. 

In Japan this goes on and there is even a special term for it "Karoshi" it means Death-by-overworking. In Germany a company cannot require overtime because it makes them liable for lawsuits, as it is accepted worldwide that sleep deprivation and overwork can be a form of torture.

It is not void in the US or this office, it is called Burn-out. Over the past decade, a rise in workplace violence, an increase in levels of absenteeism as well as rising workers’ health and compensation claims have hit an all time rise. Many workers are forced by their superiors to perform tasks outside of their job description (or within) and working hours. Typical examples of power harassment or Rankism include:

1.     being scolded in front of other colleagues, rebuked in a loud voice (Check)

2.     neglect (Check)

3.     false evaluation and demotion (we will see :))

Kenexa Research Institute in 2007 says that those employees who were more favorable toward their organization’s efforts to support work-life balance also indicated a much lower intent to leave the organization, greater pride in their organization, a willingness to recommend it as a place to work and higher overall job satisfaction.

Yes I know Blah Blah Blah, but it is true! Which meeting would you have taken? Does anyone know how to stop Rankism? 

Next post topic... How a bad boss makes a bad employee, I know because I think this blog is proof!

Barlife Magazine

Check out Barlife Magazine Barlifemag.com where my 'resume' was published! It is a great Magazine to keep up on bars around the Chicago suburbs!

The snow days

The day I got to work from home could have been the best day ever! I got an incredible amount of work done and in less time than it would usually take. I was cozy and cleaned while waiting for files. BEST part of my day was not hearing April once!!!! Well I had to shoot the shit with her on the phone in the morning for about 5min, but I would take that any day.

I spend a great part of my day writing up a plan for our company morale, here are some highlights:

• Skill sets are not just an employee’s training but are what they are interested in, interested employees create harder working employees   
• Socializing  in the form of socializing help keep up moral in hard times and create bonds that help prevent sickness and stress in the work place resulting in more interest in putting in more hours (i.e. GO TO A BAR HAVE A DRINK ON THE COMPANY AND DON'T TALK ABOUT WORK)
• Accommodate personal time when a co-worker schedules or asks for it, if it is outside work hours it is especially essential for accommodation as this will create less stress in a work place.

·         Respecting co-workers inside and outside the office – Clients can see conflict

“When you say it's an open-door policy, you create a sense of hope that there's going to be change, and people really believe in that. But if you don't make good on that, and you're not true to your word, then it really does start to deflate the energy in any kind of business, in my experience. And then, as I said, it starts to just become a job, and people don't give it that extra bit of themselves.” - Catherine Winder, Rainmaker Entertainment

April said I didn’t seem passionate about this project, well, how about now?

Otherwise it was a great day… I have never had a snow day in Chicago until now, I am praying for more J

The headphones trick

Pandora and iTunes are a worker's best friend. I mean this in so many ways. Mainly I hate my job, so it is great to listen to NPR or This American Life while blank staring at my computer, or pretending to do searches on the web.

Headphones are perfectly suited for eavesdropping on coworkers and through closed door conversations. You can totally hear but pretend not to with the 'music' you are listening to.

Ha ha I can't hear you in my Cone of Silence :)

The blizzard

WFH...

Wonder Frankly and Honestly?
Watch Fun Happen?
Witches Fun House?
Whipping Flipping Horse?

WTF?

Apparently that means Work From Home. NEWS to me considering these people are not capable of it. Even more amusing is the fact that 2 people are going to work from home, with only one computer. Interesting, interesting...

Don't you love it when your bosses leave early because of a blizzard and you are stuck with a list of tasks.

Love it! I think my power will be off tomorrow, or my internet will be out! :)

THANK GOD I will be able wake up and the sky will be falling!!!!!

The rapids

light happy bubbling river...

Rapid - "Avoid conflict at any cost and don't address the issues" Mr. O's policy, particularly he loves to be passive aggressive.

Moving river...

Rapid - High turnover in your position - "Widespread meanness not only damages people; it also undermines performance by driving out good employees at alarming rates... people respond to demeaning and disrespectful bosses and co-workers by calling in sick more often, making fewer suggestions, working less hard and doing lower quality work" Good Boss, Bad Boss by Robert Sutton.

A little bit faster now...

Rapid - Yelling in the office (April and Joe in every meeting because they can't communicate without pissing the other off). Mr. O in particular, Not just yelling in the office but yelling from your desk that you have accepted a meeting for Friday, but then asking what time it is because you don't know how to check your outlook calender - “there isn’t any room in business for yelling. It is bad behavior, and has the wrong impact.” Corner Office: Bob Brennan, nytimes.com.

 moving, moving moving...

Rapid - "the regular flex hours are 8:00-8:30 am - 5:00-5:30pm." -April Um, those aren't flex hours those are traditional hours... I think we need a definition here... (From Wikipedia) Flextime or flex hours is a variable work schedule, in contrast to traditional work arrangements requiring employees to work a standard 9am to 5pm day. Its invention is usually credited to William Henning.Under flextime, there is typically a core period (of approximately 50% of total working time/working day) of the day when employees are expected to be at work (for example, between 11 am and 3pm), while the rest of the working day is "flexitime", in which employees can choose when they work, subject to achieving total daily, weekly or monthly hours in the region of what the employer expects, and subject to the necessary work being done. A flextime policy allows staff to determine when they will work. For example, they may opt to work four 10-hour days per week, taking Monday or Friday off. Another flextime schedule is to work nine-hour days Monday through Thursday, an eight-hour day on Friday, taking every other Friday off. Workers may arrange to coordinate their days off so that their responsibilities are adequately covered. - So what does April think Flextime is?

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

“if you fall out of the boat don’t fight the rapids…” Good Boss, Bad Boss by Robert Sutton.

Word Bobby, Word.