Best part of my day is when April doesn't come into the office.

I get yelled at for things that are so stupid that now I just laugh and walk away. For instance, the other day I was printing out copies of reports. I went over to the printer to pick up the copies, and there is crazy April, holding my reports and thumbing through them. I say nothing and just watch her going through them.

April: Did you make all of these copies?
Me: Yup.
April: You need to print this double sided, on the other machine.(I say nothing as this is not a question so she turns around and stares at me expecting me to say something)
Me: O.k.

I grabbed the stack of paper from in front of her, threw it in the recycle bin and walk back to my desk an reprint the entire report double sided.

:)I hate her.

The circus

Hello ladies and gentleman. Come one and all! Welcome to the world's most ridiculous work place. We aren't talking child labor or slavery here folks but complete and utter disaster in a work environment.

You will be salaried and will never get overtime pay even if it is deserved.

You will be expected to not only be treated as hourly, but expected to e-mail when you are coming and going as well as signing in and out! Sounds exciting doesn't it?

Oh and don't worry because to your amazement we will make accusations about you and your performance while acknowledging that no proof exists, actually we will just make it up completely!

That's not all we will also try to humiliate you at all costs, because we believe that if we make you miserable, you will do better work!!!

I think I spent half of the week applying for other jobs. Has anyone worked at Starbucks? Or Nordstroms?

The Interview

I went to an interview this week... It was a week of HELL so I figured an interview could be just the thing to remind me that not everyone is crazy. Oops! Turns out they all are!

I got to the interview early, had all of my resumes ready to hand out, I was more excited about being out of my nightmare of an office. Just the idea of a potential job somewhere else was more than enough to give me hope for a better week.

I should also add that the guy who got me the interview is someone that I really look up to. He knows nothing of the negative stories about my office now, just that I am interested in something else.

I met my potential future boss and the guy that got me the interview in a conference room in their office. I would say about 3 minutes into the interview my future boss and the guy I am friends with got into an argument, for a good 20 minutes. What the hell? Am I being punked? I just looked at them both in shock. I could have stayed in my office for this.

Well, all I could think was that I was glad for my zoning out abilities. I just stared at their general direction imagining another place I would like to be.

Lets hope the next one goes better, maybe I just need to become a dog walker...  :) 

The "Sheen"

April has tiger blood, winner!

The exit

I got to the office today with my pen missing. MIA ALERT: my pen is missing again!!! I have bought and lost so many pens for this office it is ridiculous. And the kicker is that someone else steals them and uses them. I put my name on it, why would anyone want my pen!!! I might start putting my boogers on it.

So, the exit...
April was out of the office most of yesterday, this makes for a super great office! Everyone is happy, there is teamwork going on, everyone is getting their work done happily.

Then, from out of the hall way you can see her little head bobbing on its way back in. It is 4:45.

It becomes a mad dash to finish what you are doing so you can leave, or at least turn off your screen. Where her day starts at 4pm, ours start at 8am  (sometimes earlier, and most with out lunch), and we are tired and hungry. I thought only a select few in the office knew of my dash routine. Turns out, there were four people doing the same. we all took different routes and ended up at the elevator laughing.

This morning, I am already getting yelled at, which just makes me laugh, because I am fully intending on dashing out of here the same as always today :).

The gum chewing

 How annoying is it when someone chews gum? I don't even know how to describe gum chewing in text, but it should be banned from the office totally! I am amazed with the things that do or do not get banned from the office.

Banned items in the office:

·         Flip-flops - Because they make a slapping noise.

·         Headphones - Because people can pretend to ignore others :)

·         Sweatpants - I don't really get this one, I work better when I am comfortable.

·         Cleavage - Because I don't care to see your areolas or your potential career at plumbing.

·         Piercings - Not sure I get this one, I have been told to be more artistic in my style of dress, I think I might get studs put into my temples.

·         "Un-natural" hair colors - Again, an item I don't get, have you seen old people? Old Women have purple, black, red, pink and blue hair when it is clearly not natural to be anything but gray! I am damn sure my boss hasn't ever had that hair color or at least not for the last 20 years...

Proposed banned items:

·         Gum Chewing with your mouth open or at all - Get a mint it lasts longer and isn't annoying, unless you are suckling them, then mints are also banned.

·         Brushing your teeth or using mouthwash in the kitchen - If you can't pee in that room you shouldn't be brushing or scrubbing any part of your body either.

·         Speaker phone - Get a conference room, this is so beyond distracting!!!

·         Farting - cringe.

·         Close-talking - arm length distance please.

·         VPL - 'visible panty lines' - Men and Women, Seriously? I get that people have to dress like idiots in the work place but if I can see what is under your clothes I would prefer you put on more layers, or get bigger clothes.

·         Answering questions with questions - Unless this is a game, then it is ok.

·         Using strange and outdated sayings to be anything but funny - Do not start a sentence with "Say, " (we get that you are saying something), I am not "hip to that", I don't care to hear that something is a "matter of fact" (especially that it is of your opinion), “nifty”, or anything else that you cannot figure out that no one else says anymore.

·         Cooking fish in the kitchen - I have no interest in smelling this or leaving smelling like your lunch.

·         Computer notification sounds - Annoying! I don't want to hear bings, burps, frogs or other nonsense to tell you that you have gotten mail.

·        Playing with your junk in your pockets – gross! Did anyone teach you to take your hands out of your pants in public?

·         Cursive – I think in this day everyone should use a computer; cursive is unacceptable outside of personal notes.

·         Banana Clips & Scrunchies – Because I hate them.

·         Fax machines - I hate them, so they should be banned.

Proposed additions to my work week:

·         Opposite day - Better if you don't tell the boss about it too!

·         PJ day - who didn't love this day in school?

·         Pick your DJ day - I get to control the radio, and if you don't like it you can wear headphones.

·         Learning day - A lovely time to show idiot co-workers how to do their jobs without calling them out. Scratch that we might need more time than a day at my office.


Anything I am missing?